Words: James Gannaban

Assuming the world is still intact when this column makes it to your favourite gay bar, sex shop or sauna, we’ve created a 5-point plan to help make 2013 an even more festive and Hyperactive year for all of us.

1. Make more money. Money is a good thing – especially if there’s always enough of it in your bank account. This is Hong Kong, Land of (tainted) Milk and Honey. Before you budge or lift a finger, ask nicely: “What’s your budget?” Practice your evil laughter when you inadvertently hear the response: “There’s no budget.” What?! Do these fools think your talent is worth nothing?! In your best Plenty O’Toole impersonation, say with withering contempt: “No money, no hunny!” Then sashay away.

2. Exercise. Do more cardio. Make more frequent trips to the free fried canapés counter at Psychic Jack. Pile a mountain of food on your little plate. Focus on your forearms and biceps. Studiously ignore the desperate stares of those who wandered in by mistake, thinking they’ve found Hong Kong’s legendary cruising paradise – Works. Hello! It’s 2013! Get on with the program! Cruising on-site is so passé! We’re more sophisticated now! Save yourself the time, money and humiliation of rejection. Use Grindr, Jack’d or Scruff – like everybody else! Now, isn’t that more civilized?

3. Make babies. Or, just keep having sex anyway, even if you can’t have babies. The Hong Kong government still doesn’t recognize same sex unions, nor are we likely to be recognized soon. Good thing unlike Singapore, we’re free to have as much bum fun as we like without fear of retribution. Sex releases endorphins, which means our feel good factor radiates outward, towards the larger community. There. You’re virtuous, like Mother Teresa. You’ve selflessly done your bit for the world! Don’t you feel better already?

4. Travel more. You’ve been stuck in the Jervois gay ghetto for far too long, shuttling restlessly between Zoo and Volume BEAT. Expand your horizons. During the day, venture towards that other emerging gay precinct, the curiously named PoHo (short for Po Hing Fong – Hollywood). Lots of preppy, pretty gays munching on expensive sandwiches and overpriced lattes. You can pretend to work on your Macbook Air whilst ogling the shirtless basketball players across the street. Just make sure you’re wearing oversized celebrity sunglasses so you don’t look like a total lurker creep.

Or, look across Victoria Harbour, towards Tsim Sha Tsui. A trip to Wally Matt is always educational.

5. Love more. Honestly, there’s so much hatred in the world. There’s too much unnecessary posturing in gay clubs, or over gay political agenda. There’s too much envy and hatred and vitriol over each other’s overexercised bodies or winter vacations or fashions or bank accounts or careers. Relax. Look around you and realize that friends are life’s real treasures. Leave niggling, negative energy behind and take off into The Cockpit of transcendent existence. This is our time and we’re all in this together. Smile!

Happy New Year!

- James Gannaban is Asia’s Most Hyperactive Gay Boy™. Find him on http://jamesgannaban.blogspot.com