Words: Ash Pritchard

The World Cup: A Gay Man’s Guide

Once every four years, the world goes football crazy as nations come together to kick a ball at a small space. June 2010 will see the Fifa World Cup take place for the first time in Africa, as South Africa hosts 32 teams and hundreds of thousands of visitors. Here in Hong Kong, swathes of Wan Chai, Central and TST will spill over with inebriated football fans at the wee hours of the morning. Love it or loathe it, it will be impossible to escape the World Cup.

Let’s face it, most gays don’t really care about football. Apart from a few hardcore fans, the average gay man cares more about Lady Gaga then Manchester United. However, we all love hot athletes, so taking our cue from the back pages, we’ll be looking at the favourites to win the tournament, and choosing the teams worth watching in the South African summer heat. Luckily, you don’t have to know much about football to appreciate the talent on show at the world cup. Here are our picks:

Spain

Favourites to win following their European Cup victory, the Spanish team is universally acknowledged for demonstrating skill and flair.

Full name Iker Casillas Fernández

Date of birth 20 May 1981
Height 1.82 m
Club Real Madrid
Playing position Goalkeeper

Our favourite Spanish team hunk is goalkeeper Iker Casillas. Captain of the team, Casillas is a lot more than just a safe pair of hands. A playboy oft appearing in tabloids alongside string of models and actresses, his current squeeze Eva González, appeared for Spain in the Miss Universe 2003 pageant.

Brazil

When it comes to big passion and talent, the Brazil team is known for being packed with big, big stars.

Full name Ricardo Izecson dos Santos Leite
Date of birth April 22, 1982
Height 1.86 m
Club Real Madrid
Playing position Attacking Midfielder

Besides being the creative heart of his team, Kaka has a modeling contract with Armani.

England

They always think they are entitled to win, but somehow never seem to get past the semi-finals.

Full name David Robert Joseph Beckham
Date of birth 2 May 1975
Height 6 ft 0 in
Club LA Galaxy /AC Milan
Playing position Midfielder

Thanks to a nasty injury, he’s not even playing, but since when did we care? He’ll be in the stands where the TV cameras will focus on footballers hottest (if not brightest) star whenever play gets boring.

Holland

The Dutch themselves may be famed for their liberalism, flowers, and rudders, but their football team is known for a fast flowing football style espoused in the 1970’s. With hot orange shirts, the players could be ageing club fiends seeking the nearest morning party.

Full name Robin van Persie
Date of birth 6 August 1983
Height 1.83 m
Club Arsenal
Playing position Striker

Clean cut, boy next door good lucks, and unrivalled technical skills and finishing make Van Persie one to oogle at South Africa 2010.

Italy

Reigning Champions Italy are not expected to perform as well this time around, and one reason is their ageing squad. Happily, some of their players are maturing like a fine Chianti wine.

Full name Fabio Cannavaro
Date of birth 13 September 1973
Height 1.75 m
Club Juventus
Playing position Centre Back

He’s rugged, strong, masculine, muscular and not afraid to take his clothes off. What’s not to like about Fabio Cannavaro?

Germany

Tall and teutonic, the German team is known for a tough and organised approach to the game.

Full name Lukas Joseph Podolski
Date of birth 4 June 1985
Height 1.82 m
Club Koln
Playing position Forward / Winger

Polish born German star Podolski has model good looks with an edge. He is bound to score in June.

France

Les Blues, as the French team is known, match talent with style. They made it to the finals last time, so don’t count them out in 2010.

Full name Thierry Daniel Henry
Date of birth 17 August 1977
Height 1.88 m
Club Barcelona
Playing position Striker / Winger

The embodiment of the suave and sophisticated Frenchman, Henry could charm the pants off a corpse. He’s can slip in through defenses like a hot knife through brie.

Portugal

The lesser cousins to their Spanish neighbours, Portugal’s fate will be decided by the form of their best (and the world’s most expensive) player.

Full name Cristiano Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro
Date of birth 5 February 1985
Height 1.86 m
Club Real Madrid
Playing position Winger / Forward

From the Euro 70 million price tag and Euro 13 million annual salary to the modeling contracts for Pepe Jeans and Emporio Armani, Ronaldo has the looks and the talent. Did we mention the looks?

Talking balls

At World Cup time, gay men traditionally flee to the other side of the office as their colleagues discuss penalties and results with the football-mad lesbians over the water cooler. Yet with our in-depth expertise on playing the field, and scoring, we too can tackle sports talk! Here is a helpful few phrases that will come in handy no matter who is playing:

1. “Shocking result, the manager must be gutted about his teams performance in the final third” Means: one of the teams didn’t play well.

2. “What were the match officials thinking with those decisions?! It’s the same thing every world cup.” Means: it’s the referee’s fault.

3. “The Germans are a tight knit and effective team, Brazil will always be in the running, and Spain are looking strong, but could surprise us this year.” Means: your team might do well.

4. Alternative phrases, best said wistfully or with a shrug: “It’s a game of two halves.” / “You’ve got to get the ball in the net to win” / “It’s a funny old game” / “There are no easy games at the World Cup”