Text: Jeff Kaplan

As I write this Los Angeles is burning. Massive columns of dense gray smoke rise ominously from the mountains just outside of town. From the tops of the Hollywood Hills you can see flames race from one brushy canyon to the next turning everything into ash that floats upwards, coloring the sky brown and the sun pink before raining down on the city below. In Southern California wild fires are just a part of life, like traffic, smog, sunshine and surf, it’s the price you pay for living in Paradise.

If you want to read about Disneyland, Universal Studios, the Walk of Fame and the other tourist traps most Angelenos avoid this feature like a tranny-hustler with the clap and pick up a Lonely Planet; this is my guide to the real City of Angels. One thing to know before coming here: LA is more a collection of small, diverse neighborhoods than your typical urban city. To get a good feel for it take time to explore a few. Beverly Hills, Los Feliz, West Hollywood and Venice all have great shopping, dining, nightlife and unique local flavor. One more thing, unlike most of the world’s major cities, Los Angeles has shit for public transportation. To get around without major hassles I recommend renting a car.

To See & Do
Will Rogers State Beach
No trip to Southern California would be complete without a day (or two) at the beach. The most picturesque beaches in the Los Angeles area are a half hour drive to the north, in Malibu, but the best beach in LA proper just happens to be the city’s only gay beach. Located at the Northern Edge of Santa Monica, Will Rogers sports postcard-perfect views of Malibu and the Santa Monica pier, vast stretches of clean, white sand and more bulimia-inducingly gorgeous men than you can shake your Speedo wrapped stick at. Keep your eye out for dolphins swimming just off shore and glory holes in the men’s room.

El Matador State Beach
For those more interested in nature’s beauty than mans head 20 miles up the scenic Pacific Coast Highway (PCH) from Santa Monica to El Matador State Beach in Malibu. Tucked away at the foot of a rocky bluff, El Matador is a series of small, secluded coves with rock formations that jut from the waves. With clean water, great surf and spectacular views this is hands-down one of the best beaches in California.

Miracle Mile/Museum Row
This historic neighborhood in the heart of Los Angeles is home to several worthwhile museums and an ancient, bubbling lake of tar. The Los Angeles County Museum of Art (www.lacma.org) houses the largest permanent collection on the West Coast and an impressive outdoor sculpture garden. Next door are the La Brea Tar Pits (ww.tarpits.org) ; the fading remnants of a tarry swamp that once trapped woolly mammoths, saber toothed tigers and giant sloths in its sticky clutches. The reconstructed skeletons of many of these extinct beasts have been excavated from the pits and are now on display at the excellent museum on-site. Also nearby are the Architecture & Design (A&D) and Petersen Automotive museums.

Griffith Park (www.griffithobs.org)
To witness LA in all its sprawling splendor you have to rise above the streets; Griffith Park is the perfect spot to do it. In addition to miles of hiking trails offering views of native wildflowers, celebs trekking in sweat pants and the sky scrapers of downtown; the park is also home to the newly remodeled Griffith Observatory, made famous in the James Dean classic Rebel Without a Cause. The observatory is the perfect spot for a sunset photo op and a brief escape from the grime and bustle of the city below.

Get Your Grub On
El Compadre (http://elcompadrerestaurant.com)
Located on Sunset Blvd between Hollywood and West Hollywood, El Compadre is equal parts ambience, alcohol and mouth watering Mexican food. The restaurant is dimly lit, filled with deep comfy booths, kitschy Tijuana street vendor decor and the sweet sound of mariachis. The food is great and the margaritas are flamingly delicious and delightfully potent. For a classic Southern California Mexican meal this is your best bet.

Pizzeria Mozza (www.mozza-la.com)
A few blocks East of the Melrose Shopping District, Pizzeria Mozza is the brainchild of Iron Chef Mario Battali and local baker Nancy Silverton. This foodie favorite serves some of the best pizza in the world. The rest of their menu is flawless as well; make sure to order the fried squash blossoms stuffed with ricotta and save room for the butterscotch pudding with rosemary pine nut cookies.

Fred 62s (www.fred62.com)
This Los Feliz landmark is the perfect place for a late morning breakfast or a drunken late night snack. This sassy diner offers classic American comfort food with an urban twist.

Pinkberry (www.pinkberry.com)
Los Angeles is all about frozen yogurt these days and Pinkberry is King. With locations on virtually every block throughout the city, Pinkberry serves surprisingly delicious, non-flavored, non-sweetened frozen yogurt with fruit, granola and other healthy toppings.

Nightlife
Los Angeles has two gay neighborhoods, each with very distinct personalities. West Hollywood (WeHo), is the larger of the two and tends to attract a younger, cleaner, more buffed, plucked and polished crew of aspiring Hollywood types, wealthy yuppies and scene queens. Most of the gay bars in WeHo are located within a few blocks of each other on Santa Monica Boulevard making it easy to bounce from one to the next.

The Abbey (www.abbeyfoodandbar.com)
Mouth watering mojitos and martinis served by beefy model types (with attitudes to match). A good place to start a night on the town or enjoy a refreshing mid-day cocktail on the patio. The Abbey attracts a decent crowd any day of the week, at any time.

Mickeys (www.mickys.com)
Newly remodeled with two floors of faggotry and a huge outdoor patio. Mickey’s has dancing and Go Go boys nightly, but on weeknights the crowd is likely to be thin.

Fiesta Cantina (ww.fiestacantina.net)
If you just want to knock back a few drinks with friends at a mellow pub in WeHo you’re shit out of luck so the Cantina will have to do. They make a good stiff cocktail, some mean nachos and the bar staff are refreshingly friendly. The daily 2 for 1 Happy Hours from 4-8 and 10:30-12:00 don’t hurt either.

At the Eastern end of Hollywood is the significantly more mixed (in terms of age, ethnicity, sexuality and scene) neighborhood of Silverlake. If you’re into hipsters, artists, rockers, muscle men covered in tattoos, bears and leather daddies this is the neighborhood for you.

MJs (www.mjsbar.com)
Dancing, eclectic music, beefy Go Go Boys and general shenanigans attract a diverse clientele several nights a week at this Silver Lake institution.

Akbar (www.akbarsilverlake.com)
On weekdays it’s a down home neighborhood bar with a great juke box. On weekends the resident djs pack a full house to 80s, 90s and electro beats.

The Faultline (ww.faultlinebar.com)
This place delivers everything I’ve ever wanted in a gay bar; stiff cheap drinks served by strong, friendly bartenders (many of whom are porn stars), rockin tunes, a crowd full of sweaty bears, daddies, assorted sexy misfits and a healthy dose of debauchery. If things like sticky floors, body odor, pornography and public sex turn you off, stay in Weho.

Lodging
The Standard (http://standardhotels.com/hollywood)
Perched atop the world famous Sunset Strip the Standard provides stylish accommodation at accessible prices. Amenities include an outdoor pool, 24 hour dining and several bars. The Standard is also conveniently located within easy stumbling distance of West Hollywood’s gay bars.

The London (www.thelondonwesthollywood.com)
At the foot of the Hollywood Hills this brand new ‘ultra-lux’ hotel is quickly becoming a West Hollywood landmark. For the lucky traveler who can afford it, its features include visually stunning suites, rooftop pool and sun deck, fitness facilities and a restaurant by super star chef Gordon Ramsay.